The Cold, Hard Facts About Your Astrology Sign
Everybody loves to read their Horoscope or hear about what destiny may await them at some point in their life and a lot of publications and online sources paint a rosy red picture of each of the 12 Zodiac and their respective characteristics. Sometimes they may politely add, “a challenge for this sign is jealousy”; or “this sign does not deal well with betrayal.” But that is to put things nicely. The cold hard truth of your astrology sign may be too much for some of us to take. Can you take it? Will you take it?
ARIES: Mr. or Mrs. In charge and get the job done. Loves being bossy. Loves telling others what to do, even if it is the wrong thing to do. Feeling smothered? Date an aries. They will never let you on top in bed. As a matter of fact they will try to keep you under lock and key surveillance in every walk of your relationship. The Arians do not like to follow – they like to lead, even if this means walking right off a fricking cliff.
TAURUS: Ever heard of someone that is stubborn? The Taurean makes stubborn look tame by comparison. These Bull-headed, dust snorting lovers of the Earth and property (land $) are as ridiculously stubborn as people come. If a Mack truck was going to run them over they would stand their ground all the while dictating to the truck that it can’t hit possibly hit them. Arrogant, prideful and in love with money. Be careful if you date a Taurus and you don’t have a well paying job. They may consider you incompatible based on your bank book alone.
GEMINI: Evil two-faced, back-stabbing vampires that charm you and then leave you hanging out to dry. The Gemini is one of the more intelligent and radically charming of the bunch. But you won’t know what hit you – they move at the speed of light and have no time for things like posterity; temperance and balance. They may become addicted easily to drugs, food or sex and then in a whirling dervish binge out. Be wary of the Gemini male or female that is a twin and tells you that their sibling is the “bad one.” It is probably not true – the evil one always disguises themself as the good one.
CANCER: Grumpy, grouchy, moody and usually pissed off the cancerian is the crab-ass of the Zodiac. Wake them up in the middle of the night and it better for a good reason or they will easily bite your head off. But keep them fed with the right foods and watch them show you a wonderful sense of gratitude. Until you piss them off with a simple joking remark. They are deeply emotional and do not do well with teases and jokes.
LEO: The big, boisterous know it all of the Zodiac. Loud, exuberant and completely ruled by what society and the like follow these Lion-hearted social fetishists will spend hours making sure that their presentation is perfect! There perfectionist ways will lead to even more grandoise displays of temper and tantrum when it does not go according to plan and they wind up less than 100% on their inner report card. Their roar can deafen most people so walk around on eggshells if they are in a pissy mood. You may wind up technically deaf when they chew your ass out for hours for a simple disagreement.
VIRGO: Clean freaks that will have you wiping your shoes; using coasters and eating off placemats to keep every crumb from their OCD vision. Like Felix Unger of the Odd Couple stay neat and tidy around Virgos, they do not appreciate clutter or messes. And once you do create a mess expect a lecture on the reasons on the how; why and tow hat extent it could have been avoided. If you want to live in a zip-lock bag I recommend marrying one.
LIBRA: Balance the scales and they are happy campers. Ask to do one daredevil stunt or “God Forbid” work more than one plays and get ready for that shiny demeanor to become a depressed puss. Keeping things even is their life work. So spontaneous things like sex on a kitchen table or crazy gambling are not in their choice of life experiences. Actually, they may bore some with their ordinary calculated, no-risk lifestyle.
SCORPIO: Beware the sociopathic, obsessive and vindictive Scorpions! Betray them and they will hunt you down, torture you and kill you along with anyone that gets in their way. A worldwide study was done in the 60’s to discover which sign was the most predicated to violent and psychotic episodes – Scorpios took the cake easily winning the majority with the most criminals being birthed under this arachnid from hell than any other sign. Jealousy, hellish tempers and sadistic evil mind combine for their negative side. Death and Regeneration is their motto. To bad the death part always seems to be their main focus.
SAGITTARIUS: Like their fiery sister sign “know-it-all” the Leo, Sages are unapologetically proud and loud and at times utterly clueless. But they will never come across as that and even if they do they will find some ridiculous defense to explain their lack of logic or just plain common sense. Salesman saggitauri are to be avoided. Lazier than sloths they would rather talk than work; and talk you to near death they will in attempts to sell you anything and everything. You will wind up buying something just to get the hell away from them and avoid their monstrous skills of chewing your ears off. Radically ridiculous as showmen and celebrities their Ego is pronounced and arrogant as they shoot of their fiery arrows (proclamations) into the sky for all the world to see.
CAPRICORN: If the devil had a sign it would be Capricorn. Not a horned, red-skinned monster but a sweet-talking, natural and normal looking person – with a far greater dark side then you would ever expect! Their ploy is similar to Gemini with a real “hide the truth for later” detachment which also makes them aloof and self-absorbed. Try explaining your problems to a Capricorn, you’d get more empathy from a case of dried fruit. Tricky and mischievous these goats know how to get what they want at your expense.
AQUARIUS: The mad Genius sons-of-bitches from the Zodiac, these brilliant multi-talented assholes will let you know when you’re wrong and then some. They are seekers of Truth even if it means throwing everything else into the lake of fire. Their word is their bond, so don’t lie to one or you will get a three hour lecture on the importance of keeping your word. Insane and crazy in sometimes fanciful ways these dreamers have their heads in the clouds almost 24/7 imagining ways to make everything better for everyone and then forgetting they actually have to do something to get these goals realized. Sometimes lazy; often eccentric the Aquarius is truly a one of a kind bastard.
PISCES: Completely naive dipshits of the Zodiac, Pisceans are what lack of common sense is made of. They would believe anything they read on the internet and then try to warn others with this zany information. Although their heart is in the right place their head is often not. When it comes down to it, Pisceans are their own worst enemies as they create havoc in their life by not thinking through certain situations. As a matter of fact they don’t like thinking, period. They would rather feel everything. And this explains why they can be clumsy as a one-legged elephant in a china shop. Exasperating folks, just try explaining to them why 2+2 = 4 and they will say “yes but in what language?”